First, a little background about Centillion. The base idea behind Centillion started off as a spin-off from the classic binary search. Realising binary search needs to be tweaked, Centillion made their own Centillion File System, removed all the nuts and bolts from a popular operating system and made a Centillion Operating System, and used machines which you and I thought unfit to use at banks. Nobody really understands how, why or how well any of these work, but virtue of being done by Centillion, all of these pieces of work are considered the best!

A little about Miss Eternal. Miss Eternal is extremely passionate about what she does. (She even has a heart of gold to take care of the underprivileged). Miss Eternal has been researching in hot topics in compilers. She has written an entire file system, an entire compiler all on her own, and is now moving on to move the world with her groundbreaking ideas in compilers.

However, given the drastic requirements of entry into Centillion, some of which are ownership of an elephant seal, no interests in life other than academics and a brain that can store more information than your 1TB hard disk, it makes it clear that Eternal does not deserve to get into Centillion. However, still, she has somehow made it in! Intelligence reports suggests that Eternal may work on any of the topics below:

Future of what Miss Eternal may work on in Centillion:

1. Centillion Homework System: Eternal may well add another leaf in Centillion’s cap by writing the first system that takes assignment questions and outputs code, thereby making more information accessible. This however, has vehement opposition from the intellectual community since it trivializes their lifetime of work and make graduate students’ lives easier. But Eternal is determined to fight against all odds and win.

2. Centillion Operating System: Miss Eternal has written the filesystem for the operating system already. All that is a while(1) loop that runs till the reset button is hit.

3. Centillion Algorithm Designer: Being extremely passionate about algorithms and working on them for hours at a stretch, Eternal is no doubt the master of Algorithms at my University. She has also mastered the fundamentals of programming languages, and is currently working on a compiler that will compile  a language called APL (Algorithmic Programming Language) that, given an algorithm in plain text, writes code! (Expressions still cannot have side effects, though).

4. Centillion Thesis Writer: Being a graduate student and spending the last intriguing 24 hours before a deadline  trying to decipher LaTeX error messages such as “Warning: underfull and overfull hbox”, has motivated Eternal to work in this area and improve the life of graduate students. She could work on a tool, that, given a thesis topic, draws figures and writes descriptions (everyone steals from wikipedia anyways.. so why not automate it?).

5. Centillion Mail: CMail is by far the best email service in existence. Eternal plans to take it to new levels by writing several tools for graduate students such as “Automated Over-enthusiastic Professor Reply” (professors who email you at 3am and expect a reply in half-hour), “Automated Frustrated Graduate Student detection” (signs of which are tendency to delete orkut profile, write nasty stuff in emails intended to professors, then undo them out of fear) and to top it all, “Automated Professor Text Disambiguator” which serves to disambiguate mails written by professors and put in plain english what the professor meant.

PS: All names and descriptions by no means mock anyone! I sincerely apologise if any of my original thoughts above happen to conflict with something that already exists in the world!

Well.. I am real surprised by this phrase, because it certainly doesn’t hold good! As a matter of fact, Indians are the least united group  – starting from that 7/11 guy across the road who would, at the slightest provocation from a fellow Indian, shoot him down with the shotgun under his desk, to more important people in one’s daily life! (For people not in US:  7/11 is a grocery/convenience store; many are owned by Indians).

I was in this Indian restaurant last week (and I swear that is the last time I will visit an Indian restaurant in the US), and the owner was all smiles to customers, and walked around every table and made sure things were good. Well.. almost all tables – I mean the tables with no Indians. We took a table, and he put up a grouchy face. I ordered a milkshake (2$), and he stated in a baritone – “Credit card minimum order 3$”. Things got funnier next – there was a small container of chutney in our table. Quite soon, a table of Iranians ran out of chutney and asked for some more. Our grouchy Indian friend picked the one from our table and gave it to the Iranians! What manners! I mean.. you got to ask, at least!!

Things got more interesting when a gentleman from his city in India turned up at the restaurant.This gentleman asked our Indian friend where he is from. He turned up a grouchier-than-usual face and replied “Stone and Fort Lowell”, which is an intersection in Tucson! This guy was taken aback and told him he is from Bandra, a beautiful suburb of Mumbai. Our friend was least impressed and imposed the next question “Any orders, sir?” – yeah someone comes into your restaurant to chat with the owner. This poor guy asked for some stuff which was unfortunately less than 3$. Our friend barked the same dialogue again – “Credit card minimum order 3$”.

Reminds me of the Russel Peters’ quote – “Difference between terrorists and Indians – Terrorists hate the US, Indians hate themselves”

El Paso, Texas – the last city in North America.  If you dare  run the 301′st metre from downtown El Paso, and try to step back, you’ll be shot dead by the US border police . For those who don’t know, El Paso Del Norte is the one of the few legal road entrances to North America, and is a beautiful city!

All through the trip, I ate and slept, in between spells of eating and sleeping, with heavy caffeine in between to assist in digestion . One fine night, Ashwin and Iwent to an Arabian restaurant. We ordered some rice, tomatoes, onions and capsicum. For the price charged, the owner could have claimed he got the items shipped from Arabia to his restaurant, and it would be believable. We were in no mood to talk terms to a guy who would have us grilled and served for the next meal. We ended up bartering our purses to pay for the food. Realising that we still had our clothes to barter, we decided we might as well as have a good time. We next headed to Cafe Coffee Day Starbucks coffee, and had 2 coffees – 1 cold, 1 hot, one for each hand! That explains the title! All in all, a good 45$ burnt in 2 hours

As with any of my trips, I got caught next to a character this time as well! This time, it was a shady Mexican guy. El Paso, being the Mexican border, naturally attracts a lot of Mexicans to the greyhound service. This time, I was the only non-mexican in the bus. Families of Mexicans thronged the bus, waiting to explore the Country of plenty….

This guy was old and probably retired. He was from Juarez, Mexico. As with all Mexicans, they have this gangster way of talking, and trust me, it’s scary!

He had stuff to offer to me – First, mexican candy wrapped in newspaper and wound with rubber band – that looked way too similar to marijuana. It looked all the more believable given the drug cartels in Mexico, and that Juarez is one of the main centres. He stared at me ordered me to take it. After watching all those tamil movies, I was all the more convinced that it had some drug in it, and I would wake up, tied and gagged in some abandoned warehouse! His scary stare did the job, and I did have some of it. It tasted like coconut burfee. I was relieved when he had some of it himself.

Next, he had a “mixed animal” burrito (chapathi roll-like stuff). The look of it scared the hell out of me! I am sure a a leg or hand of everything that runs/walks/crawls was inside the chapathi! He tried to coax me into eating it, assuring me that it would taste as good as mixed vegetable! He proudly showed me his food bag. It had everything form of food known to mankind, with soya sauce, ketchup, mustard and mayo! This guy was a walking fast-food shop!

Finally, he offered me something I could have. A can of juice from Mexico. It had something written in Spanish, and a picture of an orange on it. The picture was reason enough for me to pour it down my throat. What I didn’t know is that it was alcoholic! I ended up feeling terribly dizzy, reinforcing my theory that the candy was drugged, and I eventually dozed off.

I woke up after 2 hours, and quickly closed my eyes, so that if there was anyone watching me in the warehouse, I could play asleep, and wait for the right time to escape. It seemed this guy was just waiting for me to get up, and offered 100g of roast cashews.

This guy knew both drivers by their names, and it seemed they knew him well too! Seemed he traveled regularly by Grenhound. By now, I was convinced that this Mexican should be the very reason for the obesity of the fatso in the last trip . If anyone had traveled 5 times with this guy, they would be as fat!

Finally, I saw the magic sign – “Tucson”, and as with the last trip, I got down on the outskirts and walked down 2km to get to a local bus

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year folks! Thanks for reading!

This is perfectly how not to solve it! The art of giving excuses for every possible solution I suggest. I even went down to the level of stopping on my knees to get these to him!

Advisory: A bit long and detailed post

Mr. Whodunit: dude……if you don’t mind, can I suggest an alternative?
is it possible to let Abhishek keep my earphones so that I can pick them up from here?
because it looks like I’ll have to go down to Chittoor in Jan second week to visit the relative who came out of deathbed recently….
and third week is full of results…..and IF I make it into some insti, I’ll have to attend counselling for PIs from TIME
me: no da.. i will have to put it in my house.. i cant tell abi to keep it
Mr. Whodunit: hmmm……then I’ll have to see if I can take it in Jan last week or 3rd week end
me: i could do something else like pass it through MNM CS junior arvind
and he passes it to a T Nagar fellow  or Mrs. Maratha  and u pick it up from them
Mr. Whodunit: no no…..leave it…..
I don’t wanna see Mrs. Maratha as long as I’m on the face of the earth!
I’d rather travel all the way and see your parents!
me: u r a big nut
Mr. Whodunit: if Abhishek can keep it I don’t mind spending an hour or less before jan itself….
me: hard da
Mr. Whodunit: if I go to your place, I can’t leave without staying for an hour da….
can’t drop in and not stay and not talk to parents and all
won’t be polite
Mr. Whodunit: it’ll take about 5 hrs single shot
me: dun worry abt that
ill send it to Miss. Junior
She’s in T nagar
i cant understand whats ur issue taking it from Mrs. Maratha
Mr. Whodunit: sorry da
me: hey! just rememberd! my sis comes to whats that college?
MOP vaishnav
Mr. Whodunit: ok
me: I can ask her to pass it around after college
Mr. Whodunit: poor female….she hardly knows me da and she wont have her cell
moreover, I’m pretty conservative as well!
Mr. Whodunit: I’d rather not go to a girls’ college to take a pair of earphones!
me: wait at the bus stop or something for her
Mr. Whodunit: moreover, I know quite a few people in MOP now
if I get sighted, screwed dhaan!
yen maanatha vaangiduvaanga
me: macha.. to get a simple pair of headphones, you are blocking all ur ways of getting it!
u r putting roadblocks in all possible ways
seeing problems with every way
me: dude.. this chat is hilarious.. can i blog about it?
Mr. Whodunit: D00d!!! no! Don’t
I’m also OK with taking it from Mrs. Maratha/Miss. Junior/your sister
dude
pls
me:
Mr. Whodunit: pls!

We captured a terrorist live on cam, shooting people, got his confession, got a confession from his dad, got eyewitnesses and all sorts of evidence.Now, after all the poor policemen and NSGs who gave up their life (esp. Tukaram Omble who let the terrorist rip through his body while holding the terrorist’s gun, letting him be captured), we decide to let the Indian Judicial System take care of him (i.e take care of him like a son).

Studies suggest that terrorists tend to live longer in Indian prisons than outside due to state-of-the-art medical facilities, chicken biryani and other amenities.

Do we need to be reminded that IC 814 which was hijacked to let loose Maulana Masood Azhar, who was kept alive and fed with chicken biryani to the brim in spite of being convicted using every inch of his body to do bad?

Why even keep that guy alive and give a chance for the next hijacking to release him? I mean.. the amenities provided by the Indian Judicial System should be restricted to Indians only!

p.s. I had this post titled “Next terror attack: Plane hijacking”, but that would have made Google think I am a terrorist

Update on Apr 29th

Good prediction by me, I should say:

http://election.rediff.com/report/2009/apr/29/loksabhapoll-kasab-gets-tandoori-i-get-lauki-says-varun.htm

Below is a short conversation where he REALLY got me

Me: Macha.. my carrot curry rocks da.. its come out well
Roomie: My carrot sucks da
Me: You have a carrot? Wow!
Roomie: You don’t? Wow!

Coming from a less-developed city (Tucson) to a BIG city feels awesome! What makes it more awesome is that is an Indian stronghold. Almost everyone you see here is an Indian (if you like seeing Indians, that is).

Therefore, lot of Indian restaurants, and chat shops. I ate my first chat in 4 months, and ended up eating 6 chats and a mango milkshake for a grand total of 33$ , I also ate the same day at Woodlands restaurant, and ate my first dosa in 4 months! wow!

You can check out my photos on flickr

I returned via the (in)famous Greyhound bus service (Inter-state bus). In America, people who are unable to afford a car travel by bus, including the PIGS (Poor Indian Graduate Students ). This is sometimes unpleasant…

….and this time, I got the worsht of people to sit by my side – First he was OBESE! He took up a third of my seat space, leading me to sit in a totally awkward position – the kind of pose newlyweds give when they are excited about each other, and sit tighly on a chair. Adding to that misery was my choice of movie to watch – Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon – It had Chinese Kung Fu masters fly in air better than 747s (I mean it.. they took off and landed smoother, and did it without wheels).

This guy kept boring me with questions like “What purposes to movies serve?”, “Can Chinese really fly?”, “Have you served a draft in the US army?”, “Who did you vote for?”. He asked so many questions that the movie was already past half-way before I saw who the hero was. Luckily, he fell asleep after this round of questioning.

My luck and peace was short-lived as he got up within a few minutes, startled by something. In this state of stupor, he started a new topic:

Fat: “You a Pakistani?” (in a bloody loud voice. The whole bus gave me a look as if I was an alien – imagine 60 people looking at you abnormally)

Me: (Gulp! I was sweating!) (louder than him ) “Nope.. I’m from India”.

Fat: So you not a Pakistani? (This time, the driver heard it and turned around)

Me: (Getting really frantic) Everyone! I’m from India! Hi! Nice being in America

Fat: Oh.. you on a VISA? Welcome to the US.

I just looked out and it said “Welcome to Tucson”. I was relieved like never before, got up from my seat to fetch my bag overhead, and went near the bus door to get down at the first stop in Tucson

Of course, I had to walk 2 miles to get to get a local bus, but ANYTHING was better than sitting next to that fatso!

MS Interview

“And dress casually. Wear whatever makes you most comfortable. Chances are, that’s exactly what your interviewers will be wearing.”

Sure enough, I went in T shirt and Jeans. My interviewer was almost in shorts and chappals (Flip-flops, for the Americans).

I just decided to make a comparison between MS and some Indian Companies.

MS – “This guy designs software well enough. Let me take him”.

Indian – “This guy’s shirt design is gaudy. No manners! Reject”

MS – “This guy has enthusiasm to change the world! Take him!”

Indian - “This guy is overqualified”

MS – “Write a program to print numbers of an array in random order”

Indian – “What comes next after 1, 2 ,3, 4?”

MS - “This guy has a life! He loves to hike apart from coding”

Indian – “This guy is distracted in life”

MS - If you have issues with relocation and are very talented, we will use your talent from your convenient location.

Indian – If you don’t listen to me and go to Hyderabad, someone else will!

The day people such as this were born, and the day people of this kind are born.

Today is the 2nd kind of day, with the 123 Agreement being signed. Boo india! You suck!

I don’t know what to say. India seems to make the biggest mistake in her lifetime, and still manage to exist. Wonder how! God is saving India for sure!

India has made as big mistakes as this auspicious event of September 4th. No joke! 225 Engineering colleges all teaching electrical, computer science, making foreigners think wrong about us. Where is India headed!!?? Oh.. this second mistake as well